Panic has taken hold in the leafy suburbs of central Waterton this afternoon as the normally completely calm and rational commuters realise that they will soon have to share the road with not only other people in cars, but also people who obviously can’t afford cars.
Waterton traffic advocate and keen lifestyle blogger Johanna Terne-Signal said the government’s proposal to reintroduce trams to the city would have a detrimental effect on her wellbeing. “I spent a week in Melbourne recently sampling high fashion and the eclectic arts scene, and it was clear to me that trams are a major cause of traffic congestion because people in cars have to wait for them to go. Why should twenty or more people minding their own business by themselves in their own cars have to be somewhat inconvenienced by hundreds of sweaty working class people on a tram?” she queried with a distinct air of superiority.
There is also a growing concern among Waterton locals that the government may have overestimated drivers ability to follow road rules, read overhead signs, and use turn signals. This comes as residents we spoke to overwhelmingly agreed they wouldn’t have a fucking clue what a hook turn is or how to execute one without being pole-axed by 100 tonnes of tram-shaped steel.
When it was pointed out that if Melburnians are smart enough to learn how to do a hook turn, surely Waterton residents could do it, local real estate agent and Waterton Rugby Club treasurer Warren Ruckmaul quipped “yeah but the Wallabies aren’t smart enough to beat the All Blacks are they?”.
When approached for comment on the confusion, Waterton Transport Minister Guy Trough-Drinker asked “What’s a hook turn?”.