Cars Next On Government’s List of Nice Things We Can’t Have


Following hot on the heels on what the government is at pains to label a “successful and hugely popular” gun buy-back scheme, it has been announced today that cars will be banned with immediate effect. 

After asking absolutely no one whether they thought it was necessary or a remotely good idea, the government has snuck through the hastily crafted legislation first thing this morning while the majority of MPs were out the back having a sneaky durry. When approached for comment by this reporter as he drove out of Parliament Grounds, transport minister Dmitri Yuvenavich said “It is clear to us that cars are extremely dangerous and need to be removed from society. Last week alone two people were killed by their cars. The only solution is to take these evil contraptions away”. 

When asked about the cost of the scheme, which this reporter understands to be in excess of $100 billion, Yuvenavich said “it’s a miniscule price to pay to make sure our most vulnerable members of society are kept safe from rogue cars”. Yuvenavich said the details of how much compensation vehicle owners can expect for their cars would be “sorted out as we go, but generally we feel that most people would be pretty happy with a couple of grand”. He did confirm that MPs and Police would be exempt from the scheme. He then went on to label anyone that disagrees with him “bigoted and out of touch”. 

Local mechanic and owner of the Waterton WOF Testing Station, Billy Ford was in an absolute panic this morning when we called him for comment. He had very quickly worked out that the days or rorting car owners over dubious failed inspections were well and truly numbered. 

This reporter understands the buy back scheme will start tomorrow morning in the Waterton Rugby Club car park. There will be a sausage sizzle and complimentary tea or coffee put on by the local Rotary Club, with all proceeds to be donated to victims of cars gone bad.