Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Rob Walsh | Political Reporter | CONTACT NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has issued a stern challenge to National Party leader Judith Collins, stating that she’ll hug all of New Zealand’s “team of 5 million” citizens in order to win the now-postponed NZ election. Fronting the press after Auckland’s reversal into lockdown, Ardern said she’s ready to embrace every citizen literally if it means securing … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Richmond To Replace Groping With Traditional Australian Hug, Kiss, Lick Or A Bit Of A Dry Root

Mark Lewis | Roving Reporter | CONTACT Richmond Football Club have announced a new clubroom celebration policy in light of a recent groping scandal that has rocked the AFL side. The club were forced to change their celebrations after cameras in the changerooms caught several players groping each other, which led to much pearl-clutching by a handful of Twitter users. The Tigers have stated that … Continue reading Richmond To Replace Groping With Traditional Australian Hug, Kiss, Lick Or A Bit Of A Dry Root

Australian Citizens Trapped Overseas Start Enrolling As International Students To Get Back Home

Mark Lewis | Foreign Correspondent | CONTACT A new trend has emerged as Australian citizens stuck offshore due to border lockdowns have started enrolling in Australian universities, to expedite their return home. The trend started after the SA and NT governments announced last week that they would fly international students back into Australia, after relentless lobbying by the university ticket-clipping industry. Fed up with being … Continue reading Australian Citizens Trapped Overseas Start Enrolling As International Students To Get Back Home

Supercars: Tears Of Holden Supporters To Be Sprayed On Track In Bid To Enforce Parity

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the so-called “organisation” (a loose term) running Supercars looks for ways to make the series even vaguely interesting again, like back in the day when it was about racing, the pelicans running the show have come up with yet another bird-brain scheme they reckon will bring back actual racing, and actual racing fans. As the pelicans flap … Continue reading Supercars: Tears Of Holden Supporters To Be Sprayed On Track In Bid To Enforce Parity

Supercars: Pit Lane Release Rules “Clarified” Following Whincup Debacle

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Tony Robinson and his Time Team archaeologists continue to dig, looking for the remains of the once great series, Head of Supercars Paulie the Parity Pelican, following instructions from Triple 8 boss Roland Dane, has clarified the rules and procedures around releasing cars in pit lane.  Following the ruling during race 3 at the Darwin Triple Crown … Continue reading Supercars: Pit Lane Release Rules “Clarified” Following Whincup Debacle

Supercars Fans Call In Archaeologists To Investigate Demise Of Series

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following the absolute clusterfxxk of a race that happened at Darwin today, where for reasons no one can explain to anyone, James Courtney managed to finish second, and those who copped pit lane penalties somehow managed to finish ahead of those who only copped time penalties, a group of old school fans have enlisted the help of Tony … Continue reading Supercars Fans Call In Archaeologists To Investigate Demise Of Series

NZ Locks Down Again Despite Being “COVID-Free” Yesterday

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT After being gushed at and fawned over for months for single-handedly defeating not only a crazed lunatic with a gun, but a volcano and a “naturally occurring bat virus” that happened to magically escape from a lab in China, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has tonight interrupted the peasants’ regular government-sanctioned programming to announce that for reasons … Continue reading NZ Locks Down Again Despite Being “COVID-Free” Yesterday

F1: Lewis Hamilton Says COVID Mask Is “Oppressive, And A Bit Racist Man”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Six time Formula One World Champion, BLM enforcer, and fulltime virtue signaller Lewis Hamilton has apparently decided that he is more equal than any of the other people in the sport, and therefore can just take off his COVID mask any time he wants.  The news comes following his Mercedes team’s decision to metaphorically bend Lewis’ teammate Valterri … Continue reading F1: Lewis Hamilton Says COVID Mask Is “Oppressive, And A Bit Racist Man”

Entire Western World Collapses As President Trump Bans TikTok

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Shocking scenes are emerging in bedrooms across the USA tonight following Trump’s announcement that popular self-wankfest app TikTok is set to be banned.  In a welcome respite from the actual carnage happening on the streets of Philadelphia and other important cities, parents of children who think their lives are tough at least know where their kids are this … Continue reading Entire Western World Collapses As President Trump Bans TikTok

Supercars: Head Of Supercars “Upbeat” As New Manufacturers Hinted

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Just as it was looking like Supercars might be destined to become The “Mustang” Cup, the pelicans running the series have apparently been thrown a lifeline overnight, with rumours swirling that several manufacturers are set to join Ford from 2021.  After taking a serious hit last year when Holden tried to pretend front wheel drive Opel’s were in … Continue reading Supercars: Head Of Supercars “Upbeat” As New Manufacturers Hinted