Sexyland Declared An Essential Service

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT After trying unsuccessfully last week to tell people they couldn’t fxxk each other, the government has apparently switched to the more palatable tactic of telling everyone to go fxxk themselves tonight, with the announcement that Sexyland has been declared an “essential service”.  “Yeah, we tried to stop all the fxxkery last week, but people were kind of… resistant, … Continue reading Sexyland Declared An Essential Service

Supercars: Scotty McLaughlin To Make Formal Apology For Winning IndyCar Eseries Race

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following his win at e-Barber Motorsports Park in the IndyCar Eseries the other day, an investigation was apparently launched by Head of Supercars Paulie the Parity Pelican, with the aim being to make Scotty feel bad for winning.  According to sources familiar with the situation, the pelicans running Supercars don’t want Scotty getting too used to winning races, … Continue reading Supercars: Scotty McLaughlin To Make Formal Apology For Winning IndyCar Eseries Race

Supercars: Andre Heimgartner Gets Lost Online, Ends Up In F1 Virtual Grand Prix

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Kelly Racing’s last man standing who isn’t related to everyone else in the team Andre Heimgartner found himself in an interesting situation this morning as his preparation for the upcoming BP Supercars All Stars Eseries took an unexpected turn, with the young Kiwi somehow finding himself qualifying for the F1 Virtual Vietnam Grand Prix in Melbourne.  The Waterton … Continue reading Supercars: Andre Heimgartner Gets Lost Online, Ends Up In F1 Virtual Grand Prix

Victoria Police Fines Esports Spectators

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the Victorian government continues to positively froth at the mouth over the powers bestowed upon its members as a result of the coronavirus, it seems the regime is leaving no stone unturned in it’s campaign to ensure that as many of the lowly peasants as possible are found to have breached something.  With the whole fining people … Continue reading Victoria Police Fines Esports Spectators

F1: Virtual Grand Prix At Melbourne Hailed As “Most Realistic Ever”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT F1 held its second virtual race this morning, with the confusingly named“ Vietnam Virtual Grand Prix” held at Melbourne’s Albert Park circuit.  With an allegedly “star-studded” field of “professional drivers” including little-known racing driver but quite well-known England cricketer Ben Stokes, the race unfolded pretty much exactly as every real life Australian Grand Prix for the last ten … Continue reading F1: Virtual Grand Prix At Melbourne Hailed As “Most Realistic Ever”

Supercars: Team Sydney Completes Sim Build Using Locally Sourced Products

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT TEKNO, sorry, “Team Sydney” has reportedly finished building their sim rigs for the upcoming BP Supercars E-Series Presented by Coronavirus, with team boss Jono Webb for some reason talking up the Brisbane-based outfit’s chances of winning the whole thing.  Team Sydney boss Jono Webb told The Waterton Chronicle the team is “really happy” with the finished product.  “Yeah … Continue reading Supercars: Team Sydney Completes Sim Build Using Locally Sourced Products

Supercars Investigating How Many People Watch Scotty’s iRacing Shenanigans

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In a developing story, reports suggest Supercars might have launched their latest attempt to stop Scott McLaughlin winning in the lead up to the BP Supercars E-Series, with Paulie the Parity Pelican apparently not happy with the popularity of Scotty McLaughlin’s Twitch stream.  The Waterton Chronicle has learned that Paulie is apparently concerned that Scotty might have breached … Continue reading Supercars Investigating How Many People Watch Scotty’s iRacing Shenanigans

International Student Not Keen To Sell AMG-Mercedes, “Better If Aussie Taxpayer Helps Me”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT A Waterton University of Technology (WUT) medical student has told his parents back home he doesn’t really want to sell the Mercedes, and that it’d be better for him if Australian taxpayers could give him some free cash instead. Jimmy Tran, an aspiring neuro-surgeon, told his mum he likes the car too much to sell it, and it … Continue reading International Student Not Keen To Sell AMG-Mercedes, “Better If Aussie Taxpayer Helps Me”

Supercars: Chaz Mostert Sharpens His Punting Off Cam Waters Skills On Forza Motorsport 7

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Bathurst winner and apparent Cam Waters magnet Chaz Mostert has reportedly spent the last few days sharpening his punting other people off at random skills ahead of the upcoming Supercars E-Series Presented By Coronavirus.  The Bathurst winner already had pretty finely-tuned real world skills when it comes to punting off Cam Waters, but told The Waterton Chronicle he … Continue reading Supercars: Chaz Mostert Sharpens His Punting Off Cam Waters Skills On Forza Motorsport 7

Pangolin Announced As Time’s “2020 Person Of The Year”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As pretty much the entire world goes into lockdown to fight the spread of COVID-19, Time Magazine has conceded no one else, not even Greta or Trump, are going to top the humble pangolin for most influential person of 2020.  A spokesperson for Time told The Waterton Daily Chronicle the choice was a “no brainer, really.”.  “Very rarely … Continue reading Pangolin Announced As Time’s “2020 Person Of The Year”