Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following a chaotic return to actual racing in Austria yesterday that saw the whitest person on the grid, Valtteri Bottas, win the race ahead of fellow white men Charles Leclerc and Lando Norris, Lewis Hamilton has apparently commissioned his personal jeweller back in Monte Carlo to urgently hand-craft another gold-plated chain and padlock necklace to bolster his battle … Continue reading F1: Lewis Hamilton To Wear Two Gold-Plated Padlock Necklaces At Next Race After Copping Penalty
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Formula 1 is only a couple of hours away from getting underway for the season proper, perennial idiot Eddie Jordan has once again popped his head up. Speaking from behind a mask of broken dreams and opportunities lost, the former team owner cum media commentator told The Waterton Chronicle he reckons no one will ever want to … Continue reading F1: “Is Ferrari The New Williams?” Eddie Jordan Asks
Tony Henderson | Crime Reporter | CONTACT Several Australian Police jurisdictions announced today that they will be implementing a revolutionary new policy in regards to policing techniques. In the wake of recent protests around alleged Police brutality, Police will now be required to consult the comments section of their relevant social media pages before dealing with violent offenders. Although officers have expressed concern that this … Continue reading Australian Police To Consult Facebook Comment Sections Before Dealing With Violent Offenders
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Formula One gets set to return to the track this weekend, Mercedes AMG Petronas F1 is reportedly “excited” at the prospect of having black cars once again driving around carrying people in black uniforms telling other people what to do. “We haven’t had an opportunity like this since around the mid-1930s. So we’re pretty excited really.” A … Continue reading Mercedes F1 Team “Relishes Opportunity” To Return To Driving Around In Black, Telling Everyone What To Do.
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Victoria’s COVID-19 catastrophe continues, Premier Dan Andrews has urged recent arrivals in mandatory quarantine to do what is right, to do their civic duty, and at least consider wearing a mask if they’re going to fxxk the security guards. The news comes after it was revealed today that guests in the state’s quarantine hotels have apparently been … Continue reading “If You’re Going To Fxxk A Quarantine Security Guard, Wear A Mask” Premier Dan Andrews Urges.
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following his successful campaign to get former enthusiastic supplier to Hitler’s Wehrmacht, Mercedes, to show they’re not actually racist afterall by splashing a bit of black paint on their Formula 1 cars, Lewis Hamilton is now calling on Ferrari to stop using the colour red, as that’s apparently racist too. The Waterton Chronicle spoke exclusively to the 6-time … Continue reading Lewis Hamilton Demands Ferrari Stop Using “Racist” Livery
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Victoria continues to work relentlessly to cement its place as the basket-case state of Australia, Premier His Exaltedness Comrade Dan Andrews unveiled a new slogan for the Chinese-administered enclave today. The new slogan, which according to Comrade Dan only cost “around $20 million” to design and test, and went through a “rigorous” approval process with the state’s … Continue reading Victoria Announces New Slogan Amid COVID Chaos
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT A Waterton University of Technology (WUT) study released today confirms what most of us already knew, incels are a bit shxt. The study, overseen by WUT Professor of Gender Studies, Dr Put Mynani, PhD, involved interviewing 100 heterosexual men from various ethnic backgrounds, religious and political beliefs, professions, and even footy team allegiances. Basically all of them agreed … Continue reading “Men” Who Have Never Seen A Vagina In Real Life Are Most Concerned With “Aesthetics”, Study Finds.
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As New Zealand’s descent into full-on banana republic continues, El Presidente Jacinda has today shown great compassion and kindness by allowing anyone who wants to leave the glorious island nation to just go, without the threat of being shot. Our glorious leader announced the Presidential Decree this morning from atop the slide she had built to honour First … Continue reading El Presidente Jacinda Says We Can Go To Europe If We Want, But Don’t Bother Coming Back
Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Newly-self-decreed “Premier for Life” Dan Andrews has today reassured Victorians that while hundreds of mass-gatherings related to Ramadan in His Excellency’s glorious newly-formed Chinese administration, The People’s Republic of Victoria, are technically to blame for the CCP foothold becoming the laughing stock of the rest of the country, people should stop saying such racist things and instead blame … Continue reading Dan Andrews Says “Everything Is Not Fine, But Ramadan Is Not To Blame, Because That’s A Bit Racist”.